Any Small, Dark Space
by Clare Hope
Summary: For a while after Toshiko and Owen died, Jack tried to pretend that the two thousand years he spent buried alive never happened, and that he was fine. But after Ianto found him more than once in a state of near panic after he got into any situation in a dark or enclosed space, he knew better. (Trigger warning, panic attacks, possible other triggers in later chapters!)
1. Sleep

For a while after Toshiko and Owen died, Ianto tried not to let Jack out of his sight. As much as Jack tried to pretend that the two thousand years he spent buried alive never happened, and that he was fine, Ianto knew better. Jack would never let Gwen see, never wanted to worry her, but Ianto found him more than once in a state of near panic after he got into any situation in a dark or enclosed space. Even bedsheets were too much sometimes. The first time this had happened was only the night of Tosh and Owen's funerals…

Ianto's eyes were red from crying, and there were two wet spots near the collar of his shirt from where Gwen's tears had fallen when he had hugged her. Jack had excused himself after the service, and Ianto had not pressed him to stay. But after the few friends and family members the two deceased Torchwood members had still been in touch with had left, Ianto had waited until Rhys had led Gwen away before leaving for the Hub to find Jack.

He walked over to Jack's office, expecting to find the captain leaning over some papers, or looking at some of the remnants of files on Tosh and Owen's computers, or maybe even crying, but he wasn't in his office.

"Jack?" Ianto called, tiredly. It had been a long day, and he just wanted to sleep. He had no more tears to shed, his head hurt, his black suit was getting a bit too warm, and he needed some time with Jack that wasn't spent grieving. Ianto heard a strangled sounding gasp from the small room below Jack's office, and hurried down into the darkened living space. "Jack?" he said again, turning the light on. His heart sank.

Jack was curled up in the corner of the room, as tightly as seemed possible. His arms were wrapped around himself and his face was tucked into his hands. There were tears pouring down his face, and he seemed to be having trouble breathing.

"Oh…" Ianto murmured, dropping down next to him. "Jack?" he asked, rubbing Jack's shoulder gently. Jack did not acknowledge Ianto's presence, and that was when he knew it was bad. "Jack, listen to my voice. Listen to me, can you hear me? Come on, my cariad, you can do it, come back to me. Safe, you're safe."

Jack's breath caught in his throat. He let out a slight cough. "Iant-Ianto."

"That's right, I'm right here," encouraged Ianto.

Shaking his head, Jack coughed again. "N-no, but, you can't."

"Can't what?"

"C-can't be here, I can't breathe, it's all dark."

"No-no-no-no-no, it's okay, you're safe now. Come here, come here, hey." Ianto wrapped an arm around Jack and made him sit up against the wall. Jack pushed his arm away with a hoarse cry, and Ianto pulled back instantly. "Okay, that's fine," he reassured. "Jack, I want you to listen to me, okay? Where do you think you are?"

"I'm un-underground, I'm buried, y-you're j-just an illusion, wh-why can't you be real? Oh, god, I wish you were real, I don't want to be down here anymore, I want to be with you, please, let me get out, I c-c-can't breathe, I'm-" Jack couldn't even keep talking. He was hyperventilating and sobbing, a rather awful combination. He really was having trouble breathing, which only added to his panic.

Ianto stroked away his tears with the back of his hand. "Jack, listen to me, listen. I'm real, I'm real, I'm right here. Hey. Focus on me, okay? Do that for me, please. Do it for me." Ianto took Jack's wrist, rubbing his thumb in a circle over the pulse point. "Focus on me," he repeated.

Jack was trying, Ianto could tell. He was trying to slow his breathing. "Ianto."

"Yeah, I'm right here, it really is me. See, I turned the lights on, we're in your room under your office, we're in the Hub. You're safe, and everything's going to be okay."

"Th-the Hub?" said Jack, confused.

"Don't you remember coming back here after...after the funerals?"

Jack's tearstained blue eyes suddenly widened as he remembered, and his breathing quickened again.

"Shhshh, no, no, don't, shh," Ianto said helplessly. "Okay, okay, I know, come here, come here, I know. I've got you, come on, let's stand up, okay? Being down here isn't helping at all, I can tell, let's go outside for a little while, okay, out under the sky, there's lots of air to breathe, you can see the stars, the stars have come out by now." Ianto managed to get Jack up and out of the office and out of the Hub. He found them a bench to sit on nearby, and Jack practically collapsed onto it. Ianto sat next to him, placing one hand on his knee.

Jack looked up at the sky, taking deep, shuddering breaths as if trying to reassure himself that there was still air in the atmosphere. "Ianto...thanks."

"It helped?"

"Yeah. I'm-I'm back."

"That's good. You want to talk, or just sit?"

"Talk, please."

"Can I ask what triggered this, or…?" Ianto hesitated.

"I don't…"

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about that."

"I don't know," Jack finished. "I barely remember, past leaving the…and then I got to the Hub, and then...it's all, I guess, blurry, not really, but I don't know how to describe it."

"Just to clarify, you were flashing back to those two thousand years underground, yes?" Ianto made sure.

Jack reached for Ianto's hand before answering. "Yeah."

"I'm right here," Ianto told him, squeezing his hand. "Do you want to stop talking about it?"

Jack shook his head determinedly.

"Okay, then I'm going to keep asking questions, alright?"

"Yeah."

"Why have you been pretending you're okay?" Ianto asked, rather bluntly.

"Huh?"

"You're obviously not okay. I mean, I knew it was bad before tonight, because of course, no one, not even you could go through that without having some...but I didn't know it was this bad. It's been over a week since all of this happened. Why haven't you let me in before now?" Jack hesitated for so long Ianto began to worry. "Jack?"

"I wanted to pretend. I wanted to forget about all of it. 'The end is where we start from.' That's what I said, and I wasn't talking about only Owen and Tosh. I was talking about me, too. The end of my story with Gray. I have...I have a different kind of family now. I've got Gwen, and you. I wanted to pretend that none of it ever happened, to push it away. And...I didn't want to worry you or Gwen."

Ianto felt a pang of sorrow. "I understand that you don't want to worry Gwen, but...Jack, I don't ever want you to feel like you have to hide from me because you don't want me to worry. Has this, what just happened, has it happened before tonight?"

Jack didn't answer.

"How many times?"

"Three. Sort of four."

Ianto was shocked. "How did you manage to pull yourself out?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"I'd pass out, I think, and I'd be...functioning when I woke up. Enough to get back to work."

"Oh, Jack." Ianto shook his head. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"Don't be. You're here now, and...thank you."

"Absolutely welcome. But next time, I'm going to be there. If there is a next time, which we're going to try and make sure doesn't happen."

Jack laughed softly. "I hope that we can do that."

"May I suggest that you come home with me? Part of this might have had something to do with how small your room is, and that the Hub is underground, and my flat's little, but not that little. We'll keep a couple lights on."

Jack stood up shakily with Ianto's help. "Suggestion gladly accepted."

There were a couple moments in Ianto's car when he glanced over to see Jack white-knuckling the armrest, and had to reach over to touch his hand and say something softly, but they got to his flat without incident. Jack was practically falling asleep on his feet, so Ianto led him to the bedroom and handed him some pajamas the captain always left there and changing into pajamas himself. Leaving one lamp on, Ianto curled around Jack. Jack shifted so that his head rested on Ianto's chest, and the younger man wrapped his arms around the captain.

"You good?" Ianto checked.

"Mmhmm. Now I am."

"Good. Sleep, cariad. I've got you, sleep now." Ianto pressed a kiss to Jack's hair. "Sleep," he whispered.

* * *

 _So this is a thing I've been working on, because NO ONE could possibly go back to normal after that. Even Jack. And it's so ignored on the show, obviously. Anyway, I've been writing it. There's more. If you want it. It's totally up to you guys. I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know. I love you!_

 _~Clare_


	2. Help

The next time was just as bad, if a little different. Seemingly nothing had happened to trigger it, but it was only a few nights later. They had agreed it would be best if they continued sleeping at Ianto's flat, and Ianto had literally left the flat for ten minutes to go buy some more coffee. When he returned, Jack was lying on the sofa, barely breathing and deathly pale. He shook like he was freezing cold, and there were tear tracks on his cheeks. Dropping the coffee on the counter, Ianto ran over to him.

The Welshman touched Jack's face. There was no response. "Ohhh, no," he murmured. "Oh, Jack, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left. Okay, I'm here now." He sat on the couch, pulling Jack into his lap. Jack whimpered, sounding very young, and Ianto held him close. "Jack, talk to me. You alright?"

Jack let out another small sound of distress. He wasn't gasping and sobbing like he had been last time, just unresponsive and limp.

Ianto began to sing softly. It was an old song in Welsh. He had forgotten where he had learned it. It was a lullaby of sorts, and he knew that Jack wouldn't understand any of the words, even if he could hear Ianto. But it was a very soothing sounding tune, and Ianto's voice trailed off as it ended. It was ten o'clock, and he was tired. It was a few minutes later (though it felt like several hours) when Jack cried out quietly, jolting Ianto back out of his half-asleep state. Ianto released him as he struggled to sit up, moving to the side slightly so he had some space.

"Ianto?!" Jack exclaimed, looking around.

Ianto took his hand, guiding Jack's gaze over. "I'm right here."

"Oh." Jack sighed heavily, and sank down so he was lying across Ianto's lap. "Sorry," he murmured.

"It's okay," Ianto reassured. He rested his hand on Jack's hair, running his fingers through it gently. "What-what happened, Jack? Why did you pass out?"

Jack shook his head, burying his face downwards on Ianto's thigh.

Ianto waited for a second, but then he realized that there was no rise and fall of Jack's back to indicate his breathing. "Jack, hey, you've got to breathe, okay?" he prompted. There was no response other than a slight shiver. He sighed. "Come on, Jack, you have to breathe. Please. You're not suffocating yourself on my leg. Come on, talk to me a little. Jack. Jack. Come on."

Jack turned his head slightly and started breathing again.

"There we go. Now, are you going to talk to me?" coaxed Ianto.

"Mmhmm."

Smiling just a little, Ianto added, "Are you going to say any more that that?"

Jack rolled over onto his back so he could look at Ianto. "What more do you want me to say?"

"You could start by answering the questions I already asked."

"I don't know."

"So...you don't know what happened, or you don't know why you blacked out?"

"Yes."

Ianto snorted. "That was helpful. Jack…how am I supposed to know how to help you if I don't know what causes this? We thought it was being in small, dark spaces, but obviously that's not quite it."

"I dunno, I'm not a psychologist," Jack muttered.

"Well, neither am I. But we can't very well consult one-"

"I wasn't suggesting it," interrupted Jack.

"-because even if there was one that we _could_ tell about Torchwood, it's not as if anyone has any experience with someone who spent two thousand years buried alive," Ianto finished.

"It's not like anyone could help, anyway."

Ianto felt a twinge of annoyance. Unfounded, perhaps, but irritation all the same, at Jack's remark. "Am I not helping at all?"

"That wasn't what I meant."

"Wasn't it?"

"Ianto!" Jack protested, sitting up. "That _wasn't what I meant_. You are helping, you...you're helping just by being here. Just by existing, by...by being here when I open my eyes, and if I...if I didn't…" He seemed to be struggling to put his thoughts into words. "I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you here. I just...I just don't know." Tears were springing to Jack's eyes. He blinked them away angrily, frustrated at his own weakness.

"Okay," whispered Ianto. "Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to...I'm sorry. I just...I don't like feeling helpless. And I do right now, I really do, because I want to know how to help and I don't, and...I'm just sorry."

"Don't be sorry, please don't be sorry. You're helping more than you could imagine, but I don't think...I don't think I can be fixed. I'm just broken, Ianto." Jack's voice cracked. Ianto held his arms out wordlessly, and Jack fell back into them, lying across his lap yet again. "Broken and useless, something shattered into so many pieces that it's not even worth trying to put back together."

"But I am _not_ going to stop trying," Ianto whispered fiercely. "And don't you give up, don't you dare give up, Captain Jack Harkness. I won't let you."

"Thank you," Jack whispered back. They stayed there, Ianto slowly tracing circles on Jack's back and arm with the palm of his hand until he could feel the captain calming down and eventually falling asleep. Ianto kept watch for another hour or so, before joining Jack in sleep.

* * *

 _It seemed like people appreciated the first chapter, so here's another. And by seemed, I mean it got lots of follows but very few reviews...I really feel like I'm being bossy and forward by asking, but...please review? I genuinely want to know what you thought of my story and what you didn't and what to do/not do in the future. I write for me but I write for you, too! Thanks, and I love you all!_


	3. Broken Record

Jack had been missing for two days now, and Ianto and Gwen were terrified. Neither of them had even seen him leave the Hub, and then he was just...gone. They searched for him in every way they could think of. Then Ianto got a call.

"Hello, this is Ianto Jones," he said distractedly, holding his phone between his shoulder and his ear so he could continue running a facial recognition program through the CCTV footage in Cardiff.

"Ianto Jones, this is Lily Drayer. I'm from St. Helen's Hospital. You're Torchwood, correct?" someone asked.

"Yes, I'm...I'm Torchwood, what is it?" Ianto returned, dread creeping in.

"I'm sorry to have to inform you of this, but the body of a man matching the description of a Captain Jack Harkness was found this morning."

"Where is he?" Ianto said immediately, standing up and shutting off the computer.

"Um, he's in the morgue in St. Helen's-"

"I mean exactly where," Ianto clarified, grabbing the keys for the SUV.

Lily Drayer sounded slightly confused. "I-I believe his body was placed in a cold drawer until Torchwood could be contacted. At least, that's what the instructions said."

"What instructions?"

"The instructions saying what must happen if a Torchwood operative was found dead by a civilian and brought-I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to be telling this to anyone."

Ianto was running up the stairs to leave the Hub. "I'm literally from Torchwood, I'm just about the only person you should be telling this to. Thank you, Lily, I'm guessing you're a receptionist?"

"Yes."

Ianto turned on the SUV's engine. "Tell them not to go into that morgue until I get there."

"I'm sorry, I can't-"  
"Like I said, I'm Torchwood. _Do it_." Ianto hung up. _Should I have told Gwen?_ He pressed two, her speed dial. "Listen, Gwen, they found him. He died, I'm on my way to St. Helen's. Sorry, I don't have time to go by the police station to get you, I can't let any of the hospital staff be there when he wakes up."

"All right, love, just tell me when he's okay?" Gwen answered.

"Will do. Bye." Ianto put down the phone and drove, then ran.

A doctor greeted Ianto outside the door to the morgue. "Sir, you can't come in here, this area isn't available to the public right-"

Almost rolling his eyes, Ianto pulled out his ID. "I _am_ Torchwood, open the bloody door." Nothing was going to stop him from getting to Jack as soon as was humanly possible. Startled, the doctor opened the door for him. "Key," Ianto said, holding out his hand. The doctor dropped the key into Ianto's hand, looking confused as to why he would give the key to this man, but Ianto took it before he could change his mind. "Which drawer is he in?"

"Drawer 455."

"Thank you." Ianto closed the door behind him, locking it quickly from the inside. There would be enough questions when Jack walked out of there alive anyway without someone walking in on him waking up. _455_ , he repeated silently, scanning the wall. He found it, and ran over, unlocking it and pulling it open, exclaiming, "Jack!" as he did.

"Ianto?" came the trembling reply from inside the bodybag on the drawer bed.

Ianto unzipped it with shaking hands. "I'm here."

Jack rolled out almost before it was fully unzipped, almost crashing to the ground but catching himself at the last second. His coat and clothing was wet from yesterday's rain and his shirt was ripped and bloodstained. "Weevils," he stated when Ianto's eyes were instantly drawn to the blood. "Let's go."

"That's it?" Ianto asked incredulously.

"I think I'll wait until we're out of wherever this place is before having whatever meltdown you're expecting me to have," Jack told him, halfway sarcastically, but with an element of truth and urgency. "Where is this place, anyway?"

"St. Helen's morgue."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's a first."

"Is it?"

"I think so. Let's go." Jack tried to take a step forward, but stumbled. Ianto went to help him, but even though Jack was shivering, he waved Ianto away. "It's fine."

Even though he knew that wasn't true, Ianto let Jack have a little space. "Okay. Come on, I have the key." They strode out of the morgue. Ianto might have laughed at the doctor's (who was still waiting outside) facial expression when he saw Jack alive. "Have a good day, sir," Ianto remarked to him.

"But, he, he was…"

Jack didn't turn around to face the doctor, but spoke anyway. "We're Torchwood. Get over it."

Ianto smiled disarmingly at the poor doctor and headed quickly after Jack, catching up and leading him silently to where he had parked the SUV, and Jack climbed into the passenger seat. Ianto drove, and together they walked up the narrow staircase to Ianto's flat.

Jack barely even made it through the door before sinking to the ground. Nodding barely perceptibly, Ianto caught him and practically carried him over to the couch. Still without saying a word, Ianto made Jack take his wet coat off and hand it to him. He hung it over a chair carefully and got some dry clothes for Jack to put on. While the captain was changing, Ianto grabbed a quilt from the bedroom and came back out into the living room.

Jack had his feet tucked up on the couch next to him, his wet and bloodstained clothing lying in a bundle on the floor. Ianto tossed it into a laundry hamper quickly and then draped the quilt around Jack's shoulders.

He sat down. "How're you doing?" he asked simply.

Holding the quilt tightly, Jack answered, "I've been better."

"Obviously. What happened out there, Jack? Why did you disappear like that?"

"I just wanted a bit of air, and then…"

Ianto pressed on, needing to know how his Jack had gotten himself into such a state. "And then what?"

"Was walking, lost track of where I was, attacked by Weevils," Jack listed. "Woke up in the dark."

Ianto watched him closely, but his face was emotionless. "And?"

"And nothing. I waited. You came and found me." Jack gave an involuntary shiver. "What more is there to say?" Ianto waited. "Alright, yes, I panicked a little bit. Who wouldn't?" Ianto waited a little bit more. "I'm doing alright, Ianto. Don't worry about me." Jack shrugged the quilt off his shoulders. He stood up and walked around the couch towards the kitchen.

Ianto sighed. If Jack was being stubborn, there was nothing he could do. He wondered if it was better for Jack to be acting like this or to be completely freaking out. To be honest, he might prefer the latter. That was easy enough for him to deal with, without having to tiptoe around with words because Jack could snap at a moment's notice.

There was a crashing sound from the kitchen. Ianto jumped up and bolted towards the noise. Jack was clutching the edge of a counter, barely holding himself upright. A pair of mugs had falled to the ground and shattered. The captain stared downwards at the broken ceramic, breathing heavily. "Sorry," he whispered when he saw Ianto out of the corner of his eye.

"No, it's fine, it's just a couple of mugs. Hey, hey," added Ianto, stepping forward, careful to avoid the razor-sharp shards. "It's okay, it's not a big deal. Come back to the couch, I'll clean it up." He rubbed Jack's shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry about it. Step this way, careful, don't step on-Oh-Jack, hey, why're you crying?"

Jack turned his eyes upwards, trying in vain to make the tears disappear. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Ianto guided him away from the mug fragments and back onto the carpeting of the living room. "It's alright, it's fine," he soothed. "Seriously, Jack, it was a couple of mugs. Is that what you're upset about, or is it everything else?"

He shook his head and started to fall to his knees. Ianto caught him and sank down with him, feeling how hard Jack was trying not to break down. "I'm fine, I'm fine," the captain choked out. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

One hand on the back of Jack's neck, one around his waist, Ianto rocked slowly from side to side. "I know," he whispered. He felt a shudder pass through Jack's body as a sob escaped him, holding him just a little tighter.

"I'm fine," Jack repeated, like a broken record, repeating the same phrase over and over, hoping the listener would understand. He pressed his face into Ianto's shoulder.

"I know you are," Ianto murmured. "I know you are. You're fine. Everything's going to be alright. I've got you." Jack's sobs were so violent his whole body was wracked with them. "Shh, shh, I've got you."

Jack coughed weakly and kept crying.

Every time Ianto thought Jack was done, or was starting to calm down, the tears started afresh. "Oh my goodness, cariad," Ianto said softly. "How is it this bad?" He settled into a more comfortable position, hopefully for both him and Jack. He didn't expect a response.

"I don't kn-know," Jack managed. "I h-hate this."

Ianto held him tighter. "I know you do. Just breathe for me, okay? Shh, try to calm down, Jack, please, I don't want you to make yourself sick." Curling up and letting Ianto take most of his weight, Jack took a few shaky breaths without sobbing. Ianto inched backwards until he could lean against a wall. "That's a little better, cariad."

"What…" Jack started, then broke off as tears threatened to spill back over. He shook with another sob, and Ianto practically felt his own heart break. "S-sorry."

"It's alright," Ianto told him. "I'm here. Take as long as you need." Jack slowly stopped crying, most likely because he was too exhausted to even do that anymore. He slumped completely into Ianto's arms, so drained of all energy that he neither helped nor protested as Ianto stood up and brought him to the bedroom. After Jack climbed weakly onto the bed, lying on his back, Ianto sat down on the edge of the mattress, keeping his hand in contact with Jack constantly. "How're you doing?"

"I'm tired," Jack whispered.

"Let me get you some water before you sleep, okay? The last thing we need is you getting dehydrated and sick." Ianto stood up and walked away to get a glass of water, letting his hand stay on Jack's arm and his fingers slip away as he left. Jack missed the contact instantly.

"Stay?" he requested weakly.

"Jack, I'll be right…" Ianto's protest died away as Jack reached out and took his hand tightly to keep him there, pleading with his eyes. "Okay," murmured Ianto, going back to stroke Jack's hair away from his face. "I'll stay."

Jack breathed a sigh of relief as Ianto sat back down next to him. "I'm glad you're here," he remarked softly.

"And where else would I be?" asked Ianto.

Not answering the question, Jack rolled over onto his side so he faced away from Ianto. The younger man sighed and leaned down to press his lips to the captain's cheek, but Jack turned his head at the last second and Ianto's kiss landed on his lips. Ianto tried to sit back up in surprise, but Jack's hand was at the back of his head, keeping him where Jack could look at his eyes as he spoke. "Whole universe where you could be that isn't here, Ianto. I guess I should consider myself lucky that you ended up here because I don't think anyone else would put up with me like this."

"Jack…" Ianto started, slightly flustered. "I can't, I can't promise...I won't always be here, you know that."

"I know." Jack let him sit up. "But right now is good enough, I think."

"Is it?"

"It has to be," Jack said grimly. "It has to be."

* * *

 _Oh my goodness, thank you to everyone who has reviewed, I never thought my stupid plea would do anything. You really inspired me to write this next chapter, which I was thinking about but had almost decided not to write and to just end the story there. But thank you, thank you, thank you for convincing me not to. It's getting difficult to keep my writing fresh and original(ish) when I'm writing a story like this with repetitive themes or events, and I think that things are probably going to escalate in the next few chapters. Thank you so much for reading, sticking with me, and reviewing. I love you all so much!_

 _~Clare_


	4. Forgetting

Ianto had been awake nearly all night trying to keep the nightmares away for Jack, and now he was paying the price. Organizing yet another shelf of the archives, his eyelids began to droop. _No, it's only five in the afternoon_ , he told himself. _No matter how dark it is down here, or how tired you are, this is not the time for a nap. You have work to do._

Two hours later, Ianto was sitting on the floor, his head resting against the corner of a shelf, neck at an uncomfortable looking position. He was fast asleep.

Two hours after that, a quiet set of footsteps made their way down the archive stairs. "Ianto?" Jack called quietly, looking around. The motion sensitive lights, dim as they were down there, had all gone off, and only then began to brighten. The captain's hands were shaking. He didn't like being down in the archives anymore, it was too...enclosed, too underground. Definitely too dark. But Ianto hadn't come back up since lunchtime, and it was nine thirty now, and Jack was getting a little worried. "Ianto?"

Then Jack's gaze fell onto the sleeping young man on the floor. He felt an irrational burst of fear before seeing the steady rise and fall of Ianto's chest. He walked quietly over to his lover and knelt down next to him. "Doesn't seem like the most comfortable place to take a nap," he murmured.

Ianto stirred slightly. "Mm...but I was tired," he mumbled back.

Guilty for being the reason Ianto had gotten no sleep the night before, Jack replied quietly, "I know you are. Come here, I'm sure I make a better pillow than the metal shelf."

Still not fully awake, Ianto shifted over so his head rested on Jack's shoulder. "You r'ly do, Jack…"

Jack smiled, not daring to move lest he disturb the sleepy young man. However, when Ianto sighed slightly and settled closer to him, falling back into a deeper sleep, Jack did not hesitate before lifting him up and carrying him up the stairs, across the Hub, into his office, and (carefully) down the ladder, laying him on the bed. Instead of lying down next to him, Jack sat down on the floor, leaning his head against the bed. He wasn't going to risk falling asleep and waking Ianto up with his nightmares. They'd had enough of that last night, and Ianto needed some rest.

He tried not to let his mind wander, but it was so difficult. It was so hard not to think about the darkness, and how it felt when he would jolt back to life and gasp for breath but only have earth pour into his lungs. So hard not to think about how his chest would slowly feel like it was set on fire, and the haziness he would experience before fading away again. For how long this time? A minute, an hour, a day, a century? Who knew how long, for time blurred down there, blurred and looped itself around again and again until he couldn't tell one second from the next, and everything was just a neverending cycle of pain, and oh, God, he missed them so much. He had to keep himself grounded. He had to keep himself grounded, he couldn't let himself slip away. One more death. One more death.

Think about Toshiko. Think about her quietness, her incredible genius, her adorable crush on Owen. How she'd push her hair back from her face when she was working on a particularly interesting computer program. How her glasses would sometimes tilt slightly to the side. How brave she was, locked away alone in that prison for so long. How her shyness receded when she got comfortable with someone. How amazing that spark of amusement in her eyes was. Remember that spark, when she figured something out so easily that had everyone else stumped. How she, of all people, proved to be so clear-headed and useful in the field. One more death.

Think about Owen. Doctor Owen Harper, the man who got to die forever. Which was easier, dying forever or living forever? Owen would say the latter. He'd say, "You'll be rescued eventually. Do something useful in the meantime, Harkness." But what was useful? Remembering Owen. That was useful. His constant snarkiness that covered up his continuing grief for Katie. His pretended lack of interest in what he was working on, but then how his eyes would light up when he found something unusual or fascinating. That one eye roll that meant he was amused but would never laugh out loud, no, that would be beneath him. One more death.

Think about Suzie. Poor Suzie. Torchwood had destroyed her, but think about how wonderful she had been at the beginning. A constant support as a right hand woman, how she would follow orders until she thought of something better. How easily she could be painted as a villain now, how often she would be, but in reality, she was just human. How could anyone call her evil? One more death.

Think about Gwen. That policewoman turned Torchwood agent, all because she was so curious. Her curiosity and her humanness; that was why they needed her. Torchwood needed a bit more human in its ranks. Remember Gwen. How her smile would light up a room with that sweet gap between her two front teeth. She would always see the people, want to help them. She hadn't realized yet that not everyone can be helped. Her frankly wonderful husband-wonderful, because how many people would put up with Gwen's work? That just showed how much he loved her. There should be more people like Rhys in the world. One more death.

Think about Ianto. The beautiful teaboy who had stolen his heart. Think about his knowing little smirk, the eye flicks that said "I know better than you, but I'm going to be kind and not correct you because it's better for your self-esteem." His gorgeous suits, his wonderful coffee. He always knew whether to talk or to be quiet, always knew what to do to help. Remember him. How it felt to kiss him, to flirt with him in front of the others and watch him blush. How tightly he clung in the night, when both of them were plagued with bad dreams. How often he would still be sad about Lisa and how hard he tried to hide it. How obvious it was he loved him, so obvious that everyone else could see it but neither would admit it because that would mean everything. One more death.

Tosh, Owen, Suzie, Gwen, Ianto. Tosh, Owen, Suzie, Gwen, Ianto. Who was he holding on for? If he could just remember those five names, those five faces, maybe he could bear it. One more death.

Did Suzie's hair curl, or was it straight? One more death.

Which words did Tosh's accent affect the most? He used to know that, it was so sweet sounding. One more death.

He couldn't recall Owen's face like he once could. One more death.

He couldn't hear Gwen's laughter. One more death.

What did Ianto's hands feel like in his? One more death.

Who had come before them? There had been others. One more death.

Toshiko...S-something. One more death.

Did Gwen really get married, or was she only engaged? One more death.

What had Ianto named that pterodactyl? No, no, that wasn't right. Ptera...ptera...how many times had Ianto corrected him? "Not pterodactyl, those didn't really exist. Ptera…" One more death.

What alias was he using now? He was a captain. Jack, he thought. Jack...Harkness. Captain Jack Harkness. Captain Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones and Gwen Cooper and Owen Harper and Suzie Costello-no, she's dead. One more death.

Remember them, come on. Say their names again. Gwen. Owen. Ianto. Tosh. One more death.

It was getting harder and harder to remember them. No more faces, no more voices. All he had were names, and he could barely remember those anymore. Sometimes there were last names, sometimes not. One more death.

Sometimes he could catch a glimpse of one of them, but when he looked harder, it would hurt too badly and they would disappear, leaving him with nothing but darkness. One more death.

Owen. Ianto. Toshiko. Gwen. Don't let them go. They're waiting, remember them, or they might not be there in the end. One more death.

All there was left was the want of some sort of contact with them. He could barely recall what it felt like to speak with them, to see their faces and to hug them, and he was so lonely now. How long had it been? Would they ever come for him? One more death.

Voices, accents. Ianto was Welsh. Gwen was, too. Owen was London. What did that sound like? Tosh had an accent that mixed between Japanese and English. Words were getting difficult. One more death.

Tosh. Gwen. Owen. Ianto. Sato, Cooper, Harper, Jones. Can't let them go. One more death.

Don't let go. One more death.

Don't…

"Jack…" One of their voices. Which one? Why could he remember it now, and why was it so clear? A sensation other than pain and crushing. What was that? "Are you alr…" Suddenly it was bright, the blackness chased away. "What...it...t's wrong?"

Remember that voice... "Ianto…" Suddenly, everything snapped into place. He was half-sitting, half-laying on the floor, and Ianto was knelt beside him, speaking gently, his hands on the captain's shoulders. Jack grabbed his hands tightly. "Ianto, I'm so sorry-"

"Jack, what's wrong, you don't have to apologize to me, why-"

"I'm so sorry, I was forgetting you, I forgot all of you, I'm so-" Jack cut himself off, pulling Ianto close and burying his face in the young man's shoulder.

"Whoa, okay, Jack, what are you talking about?" Ianto asked, returning the hug. "What happened, was it a nightmare or something?"

"No, no, just a memory, I'm sorry, I…" Jack was shaking with the realization that if it only took him two thousand years to forget someone, and he was going to live forever...how could he remember them in ten thousand years time? A million? How could be bear living without their memory?

"Alright, okay. Sit up here with me now, come on, it's got to be more comfortable on the bed. There you go. Why were you down there in the first place, cariad?" inquired Ianto.

After taking a moment to reassure himself that yes, he was breathing and yes, Ianto was really there, Jack replied, "I was trying not to fall asleep."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to wake you with any nightmares I might have," Jack admitted.

"Don't worry about it." Ianto looked at him for a minute, noting how the captain trembled and pressed his hands to his forehead before bringing them back down into his lap, and reached out to clasp them together between his own. Jack rubbed his thumbs over the back of Ianto's hands, memorizing exactly how they felt. He closed his eyes in concentration, willing himself to remember it forever. "Jack, what's wrong?" asked Ianto finally. "You're acting as if you haven't seen me in ages."

"It feels as if I haven't," Jack told him, eyes still closed. "Ianto, I'm gonna be honest with you. When I was buried-"

"You don't have to talk about it right n-"

"No, shush, I'm going to talk about it, just...shush. I tried so, so hard to keep thinking about you, about you and Gwen and Tosh and Owen, when I was conscious-and I wasn't always conscious, sometimes I was completely unaware of myself and I was in a kind of, almost trance-like state, but when I could think, I would think about you. All of you. And I would imagine your faces and your voices." Jack reached up, touched Ianto's cheek, and kept talking, eyes still shut. "Everything about you, and I would force myself to remember, because I knew you were waiting for me, and I knew John had put the ring with me, and I would be found eventually, and that I would need to remember you when it happened. But it was so hard, Ianto, and I would start to forget about you. Just little things, at first, but then it was your names, and the sound of your voices, and your faces, and how you smiled-" Now he opened his eyes. Ianto stared at him, sorrow and compassion written all over his face. "Smile, goddammit," Jack said. "I need to remember you, I need to remember you happy, please."

But Ianto couldn't. He leaned forward and kissed Jack instead. Jack tilted his head and closed his eyes. _Remember this_ , he ordered himself.

Ianto wouldn't pull away first, and neither would Jack. Somehow, they found themselves falling backwards onto the bed, still kissing. Their arms were around each others waists.

"I told you once…" Ianto breathed. "That I'll be just a blip in time to you. I didn't think how much that might hurt."

"And I told you that would never happen."

"It already has."

"No, it hasn't."

"Don't lie to me."

"I never could lie to you, Ianto Jones."

"Even that's not the truth." Ianto tried to stop himself talking, but couldn't. He sat up again. Jack followed. "You've lied to us so many times, Jack. About everything, who you are, what your name is, so many times. And I _don't mind_. But I do about this."

"I won't forget you."

"You can't promise me that, not yet."

"When can I?"

"When I need to hear it. Do you understand, Jack?" Ianto clarified. "You promise me again when I most need to hear it."

"I understand," Jack responded. And he did.

* * *

 _I am so so sorry I haven't updated anything in so long. I've been ridiculously busy, but I have been writing. Hopefully, I'll update a couple other stories in the next few days and maybe publish a couple more one-shots. This is, however, the last chapter of this story. I originally planned to make it longer and take them to even darker places (figuratively), but my inspiration kind of faded away after writing this and getting no prompts or ideas for further chapters. So...here it is. I hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so much for reading and even more for reviewing! Seriously, reviews make me so unreasonably happy. I love you all, and DFTBA!_

 _~Clare_


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